the goodbye hurt worse than the broken promise
by madisoncunningham1
Summary: the broken promise cut like a knife but nothing hurt worse than the goodbye that was left unsaid. what's happens when someone dies the family is left to pic up the pieces.
1. Chapter 1

"ERIN." He shouted

He was being held back by two of his friends. it was all a blur. he remembered nothing. his heart ached. with pain and love. but he couldn't do anything.

His heart raced And he didn't know why, all he could think of was "why did this happen." and he would never knwo the answer he would never know why. his mouth quivered as tears streamed down his face, his eyes were blood shot.

as he stared at his three kids standing in front of him. they all had the same look on their face.

"Dad." The twins both said

He didn't remember much from that day. just a little over a year ago. his girl, his wife and his best friend left him for good.

* * *

Jay got up that morning, went to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee then walked to the table and read the paper.

"Chicago Police Department Benefitting the The children of Late Officers." And after it, it began to name the officers. Jay stopped reading but looked back down.

"Lane,Lindsay and Luke Halstead.."

"Damn it." Jay left his job at Intelligence, for a job in Homicide. but Hank told him to always call if he wanted it back.

To him it reminded him of the one thing that kept him going. That day he doesn't remember much from it, but he lost her

"Lane! Lindsay! We gotta go to school. Come on." Jay shouted

The twins were 15 and little Luke was just turning 5

"Dad, Where is Uncle Kevin and Uncle Tony and Aunt Kim." Lindsay asked him

"I don't know. Maybe I'll take you to go see them." Lindsay smiled she grabbed a pair of jeans and a Chicago police department tshirt to wear to school.

Lane got up and grabbed a pair of his jeans and a cubs shirt then walked to the living room. after he brushed his teeth.

Jay woke up Luke and got him dressed. He first dropped the twins off then he decided to keep Luke home.

"Daddy?" Luke said

"Yes bud." Jay had begun to unbuckle him.

"Where are we?"

"The police station." His eyes lit up, as Jay held his son's hand and started walking into the 21st.

Platt looked up from doing paperwork to see the man. And she smiled

"Jay Halstead To what do I owe the honor." He smiled for the first time in a long time

"I need to talk to Hank and the guys."

"Well you still know the code buzz on up." She said

"And Luke you're getting so big. You look just like your momma." She smiled. Jay walked on upstairs, Luke ran to Uncle Kevin and gave him the biggest hug

"Oh my gosh I missed you so much boy." Kevin said

"Jay. What are you doing here?"

"Can I talk to you? Privately." Hank nodded his head, then walked into his office.

"What do you need?"

"Can the kids come here after school? And watch Luke for me. I have an appointment with Doctor Charles.. I kept putting it off, but I I think it's time I talk." Jay busted into tears

"I cannot stop thinking about her. Gosh Everyday I see Lindsay she looks more and more like Erin. I wish she was still here. Does it get easier? Will I ever be happy?"

"After Camille died I was a wreck for years, I think I became happy when I saw how happy Erin and Justin both were. How happy she was with you. I can still remember the day she had the twins. Gosh I remember she told me 'I don't know what I'm doing. I can't raise two kids.' I laughed and 15 years later she did raise them. Take your time Jay. Time makes things easier."

"Hank, I don't even know what happened that day. I I just remember the look on Lane's face the day I told him. I remember the look on Will's as he told me what happened. I don't want that day to ever come again."

"Me either Jay. Have you visited the grave?"

"No. The kids ask but I can't bring myself too. I miss her so much. As the days go by I lose the memories of her, the smell of her perfume. I haven't smelled it, sometimes I sleep with her favorite shirt, and I have her ring, on my dog tags. I don't even wear them anymore. I just miss her so much. I don't know how the kids are. Linds has been distant and Lane I barely see him. He's always busy."

"Jay you're doing your best and that's all that matters if you want I can take the kids for a few days and you can get a break. I'm sure they'll love to see me."

"I don't know Hank. I mean I could use a few days off from them."

* * *

"Lane?" Isaiah asked

"Yeah?" Lane sat on the steps watching the cars pass.

"I'm sorry man about your mom. I heard. My dad told me." Lane turned his head

"Don't mention her. You got it?"

"I just said sorry calm down."

"I don't care. Gosh. You have no idea what it's like to wake up every morning and wish your mom was still here. I can't go five minutes without thinking about her. And here you're. I'm so sorry. No just shut up." Lane spat, Lindsay heard him and her friend Caroline.

"I'm sorry man. I didn't."

Lane looked up. "You didn't what? Didn't mean it? Right no one ever means it."

"Look Lane. I really didn't I thought you'd be over it." Lindsay got up and walked towards her brother

"Over my mother's death? Okay right." Lane scoffed

"Lane come on. People are staring." Lindsay said

"No." Lane threw a punch, next thing you knew he was in the principal's office, waiting for his dad.

The phone rang and Jay answered it. "Damn it." Hank looked up

"Lane got into a fight, and I'm gonna be late."

"Jay go to your appointment. I'll take Tony with me. I'll tell him something. Adam and Kevin can keep Luke."

Jay walked out of the district, followed by Hank and Tony who drove to the twins' school.

Lane thought it'd be his dad walking through the doors of the principal's office, but it wasn't. To his surprise he's kinda glad it was his grandpa and uncle.

"I thought Dad was coming."

"He's busy." Tony said

"I haven't seen y'all in like forever." Tony nodded his head "Now you guys seem like caring. Where were you when mom died?"

"Lane calm down. Let's find out what happened. Mr. Poler, what happened?" Hank asked

"Well Isaiah asked Lane, a question and to my understanding Lane got mad and said something then he punched him."

"Lane." Tony said

"What? I'm sorry."

* * *

"Jay how are you doing today?"

"I don't know good I guess. I dropped the kids off then I went to the district."

"Okay. Can you tell me what happened that day?" Dr. Charles said

"I remember Erin and I dropping the kids off like we normally do, then we got coffee for the team and she told me 'Stop looking at me, like I'm the only thing in the room.' But I smiled and said 'But you're all I see.'

"Okay. Anything else?"

"We went to the district, and Hank said we had a raid, so like we normally do I put on her vest. Making sure it's safe for her. I didn't want her to not be safe. That's her first layer of protection, and I'm her second. Or sometimes I'm the first. Usually one of the guys went in first but Erin she insisted she went in." Jay took a deep breath. "I heard a gun shot, threw myself in front of her, but she-she went to the side and then another one. I heard someone scream Erin. I I don't even know what I was doing. I can't remember. She fell to the ground, and I went with her. I I was shot in the shoulder. I didn't care though. She was shot in the place between her vest and it was able to cut her stomach and her guts.. I didn't think about myself. I don't know why but she was all I cared about. I was told I couldn't ride in the ambulance, but I wanted to anyway cause I needed to tell her I loved her."

"Jay."

"I was pushed back and told I needed to get my arm looked at but I didn't care. I only cared about where Erin was. If only I had stayed in front of her she'd still be here."

"Jay don't blame yourself."

"I don't know. I haven't relived this day."

"Grandpa."

"I don't know what's gotten into you."

"Well my mom died. That's what."

"Lane, you can talk to us anytime." Tony said

"Half the time I want too dad doesn't wanna be bothered by going to the district. I let him alone cause I know how much the district meant to mom."

"Lane, you can call me. Call Kevin we'd come pick you up. Take you for ice cream, anything kid. I think it's time we teach you some things."

"I don't even wanna go on without mom. I haven't stopped thinking of her since that day. Is still remember everyone's face as I walked into the hospital. I haven't been in the district since she passed. Kevin gave me this sad look, and he just stared at me like his whole world came slamming down. You grandpa you couldn't even look at me. Dad hasn't looked st me since it happened. I don't even talk to him I don't know what he's going through he doesn't tell Lindsay and I anything. Most nights he's gone drinking, Linds and I have to watch Luke. I mean I don't mind but I want the old dad back. You guys gotta help him. I miss it. I miss Mom, I haven't set foot at the cemetery since the funeral. And I sure as hell never want to. I haven't talked to Lindsay cause she looks just like mom. I can't look at her cause her eyes her smile her nose. Everything about her."

"Hey hey. It gets better kid."

"Does it? Cause it doesn't seem like it."

Caroline shook her friend and gave her a hug. "You doing alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Just a little shaken up but I'll be alright."

"Okay. Just checking. I'm worried about you."

"I'm good I just miss her but I'll be fine."

Later that evening Lane and Lindsay were both watching Luke for their dad.

"Lane what's going on with you?"

"What's going on with me, my mom died that's what."

"Lane I lost her too. I miss her so much but you can't beat yourself up over. Yes she's gone and I wish she was coming back by she's not and there's nothing we can do. I get it Lane. Dad is not the same. But be honest if you lost the love of your life would you be the same? No I certainly wouldn't you saw the way dad loved mom, the way he looked at her. God I hope I have the same kind of love. But I'm sorry Lane I haven't talked to you since she died and all we've done is just fight. It's my fault but I'm not the same. She won't be here on my wedding day she won't be here to help me go dress shopping she won't be here to help me with my first kid. I love you Lane and I always will but stop getting angry at me. Get angry at dad."

"Linds I'm sorry. I don't know how to deal with death. I miss her. I wish she was here to go dress shopping and everything with you but I will go I'm supposed to be your older brother and protector but I'm not very good at it."

"I have a boyfriend. I didn't wanna tell you but his name is Ethan. He's super nice and I haven't told him much about my family. I don't plan on it but I figured you should know. His mom is a nurse and his dad is in the Air Force he's barely home. I told him my mom and dad are both detectives. Lane I know it seems like I'm moving on, I am not. I'm trying to be happy.. if moving on is apart of that then I'm gonna do it."

"Well I'm dating someone too. Her name is Brooke."

"Lane I think dad needs a girlfriend."

"Umm Linds. You're crazy.."

"I just think he deserves some happiness."

"Be honest Linds would you be okay with seeing dad with another woman other than mom? Even if it meant he got some happiness."

"No. I wouldn't."

"I wish he was happy again…"

—

 _He stood in front of the mirror in his dress blues, and carried his cap. The kids were downstairs waiting for him. Luke Lindsay and Lane._

 _"Dad, I'm gonna go for a walk. I'll meet you there." Jay raised his eyebrow and shot his son a look_

 _"Lane get your ass back in here. I'm not letting you leave."_

 _Lane sighed and sat back down. He had been lashing out, at everyone his dad his grandpa his teachers. He listened today though, his mom was killed. the last thing he thought he should do is fight with his dad but every inch of him wanted to scream._

 _"You got her killed. You should have protected her. What the hell happened to being her backup. Dad. You lied to us. You said you'd protect her. Now she's gone." and he did._

 _"Lane I I'm sorry. I should've protected her more than I did. I'm sorry I let her down. I let y'all down."_

 _"She's gone you did nothing to save her." Hank walked into the door hearing what he had just shouted_

 _"Lane Christian Halstead what the hell did you just say to your dad?"_

 _"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I just miss her."_

 _"Hank I can't deal with him. He's lashing out."_

 _"Jay he just lost his mom. You haven't been nice either.. Out drinking, not coming home. I don't want you going down like this. It ain't fair to them."_

 _"Hank. I lost my wife my best friend." Jay started crying_

 _Jay sat in front of the church, seeing the coffin, he turned around and saw Lane who was standing in the back of the church._

 _Then a door slammed._

 _Lane walked out, Lindsay got up and walked to the back of the church._

 _The door slammed again,._

 _"Lane what the hell are you doing? Get your ass back in there. I get it you're pissed about Dad. You're sad about mom but don't do this today. This is the hardest day for any of us and you're not making it any better."_

 _"Linds who's side are you on now?"_

 _"No ones. You need to quit this shit. I'm tired of it. Luke needs us. Dad is trying to cope without her but he can't do it without us helping him."_

 _"I lost my mom. And my dad that day. As far as I'm concerned why do people even worry about me. I don't even wanna go on. Without mom nothing else matters. She won't be here to watch us graduate, watch you get married on your wedding day. She won't be here to meet our kids. She won't see any of it. Here you are acting like it's okay. It's not okay. I miss her that's all."_

 _"You don't think I don't miss her. Lane she was my mom. You don't think I don't think about those things everyday."_

 _"I'm sorry I'm sorry Linds."_

 _"You two stop arguing and get your asses in the church." Antonio said_

 _"Uncle Tony.." Lane_

 _"Get your ass in the church. Your dad doesn't need this."_

 _"Neither do we. Dad doesn't seem to care." Lane spat_

 _"Lane. Why are you being so difficult. Today isn't the day to do this. It's already hard enough."_

 _"I'm going in.." Lane rolled his eyes, and everyone else followed behind him back into the church._

 _Jay held Luke in his arms while he slept._

Lindsay opened her eyes and

looked in front of her

"LANE." She shouted

"I miss her." Lindsay added, she bursted into tears and her brother pulled her in for a hug.

"I know you do I do too. I dreamt about the funeral. I'm sorry."

Lindsay sat there watching the wall, they both heard a sound but sat there quiet. No one spoke, all you could hear was the tv from their little brother's room.

"I wish she was still here. Y'know watching us play our sports, and watching Luke grow up."

"Me too. I invited Ethan over."

"You did? Oh well I also invited Brooke."

She smiled, and closed her eyes for a moment

"Mom, you have to meet him. He's so nice and everything I want in a guy like him."

"Well don't tell your dad." Erin chuckled

"Don't tell me what?"

Lane walked in and started laughing. "Lindsay has a boyfriend. His name is Ethan. She's inviting him to the barbeque."

Lindsay shot Lane a look then punched him

"What was that for!"

"You said something I said don't say anything."

"I know I just wanted to mess with you."

She was smiling.

Later that night the family of four sat at the table cause Jay had brought home Chinese and ate.

"Dad." Lane bravely said, usually they don't talk most of the time they ate by themselves in their rooms.

"Yeah son?"

"I wanna go into the military."

"You what?"

"I think after everything we've been through it's best I leave. I need time away but I need you to sign the papers cause I'm underage."

"Lane. I'm not signing them."

"Dad please. I need to leave."

"Lane you're only 17 signing your life away. I'm not letting you do it. End of Discussion."

"You left, you signed those papers. You signed your life away. So why are you saying no to me? You wanted to get away from grandpa didn't you? You wanted to leave because it was too much to handle. If you won't let me leave I'll get someone else to sign them. It's not fair Dad. You hold me to a higher standard than anyone else. And it's only cause Mom is fucking dead but it's your fault cause you did nothing to protect her." Lane shouted

He looked his dad in this eyes, and felt tears start to stream down his face. Jay had taken a deep breath before standing up and starting to walk away

"You are just gonna ignore all your problems huh Dad?"

Lindsay got up and held her brothers shoulder. Trying to stop him from doing anything stupid. "Lane is this really worth it?"

"Yes it is."

"Sometimes I swear you're so stupid. This isn't worth it Lane. Can't you wait a year? You'll be 18 you can leave now."

Lane sighed. "Mom would've told him he's overreacting. She would have talked with him and he would have agreed. But no, now that she's gone nothing is going the way it should."

"Lane please stop. This isn't what mom would want. You and Dad arguing 24/7."

"Well if he would learn to love me we wouldn't have this problem."

Lindsay took a deep breath, and sighed. "Lane I don't know how to speak to either one of you. I'm gonna go talk to dad."

"Well good cause I'm leaving."

 **I truly believe I never worked harder on something than his one. I think I spent about 5 months just typing what I thought would be good. I guess let's see. I hope you enjoy this. I'll keep it short it's been months since I've posted anything and I apologize but I'm just living my best life. Happy Holidays y'all**

 **\- Madds**


	2. Chapter 2: Hand in Hand

He walked away from every problem he ever had, his body ached with pain as he stepped foot into the diner not far from his house.

He smiled at the cashier, and sat himself down. He got a root beer, and waited. He didn't know what to say to anyone so he sat there. He wasn't old enough to go into a bar but the girl two tables down was staring him down.

He sighed and sat there thinking about everything he's done, he doesn't regret it but he wishes he had a relationship with the one person who deserves it.

"I'm Allie."

"Lane.. Why are you over here?"

"I just thought you looked lonely." She smiled

"Yeah well I wanna be alone." She got up and left the diner.

He received a text message from his sister.

Linds: "Where are you? Dad is pissed."

Lane: "No where's. I'm probably not coming home. Tell Luke I love him."

Linds: "Lane if you don't come home, dad is gonna kill you. Please come home."

Lane: "I can't. I can't be there. I don't think I'm ever gonna have a relationship with him."

Linds: "Lane I need you."

Lane: "I'll be home in a couple of days."

They stopped and he paid then got up, he walked out. he kept walking, and didn't stop moving until he stopped at a house where the house was lit up with Christmas lights and the window was open showing the Christmas tree with the little girl in her daddy's arms and put the star.

He smiled then kept walking, it was snowing and he obviously wasn't prepared cause all he had on was a hoodie. his mind raced with fear, and his whole body was cold

—-

"Dad." Lindsay said

"I'm sorry baby girl."

"Dad,I understand where you're coming from but this death hasn't been easy on us either."

"Where's Lane?" Jay's eyes were bloodshot, and his body ached with pain.

"I don't know." She lied,

"You're lying."

"I'm not lying Dad. Get over yourself. Even if I did why does it matter? He's 17. He doesn't need a babysitter. And that sure as hell won't be my job."

"Who do you think you're talking to?"

"Dad why are you like this? You're drunk you're tired and you need sleep. This isn't healthy for Luke. He doesn't deserve to see you like this. Mom would be ashamed at you and Lane."

Jay scoffed and coughed. "No she wouldn't. Don't speak of her."

"I'm the last person you should tell that too." I

"I'm sorry Linds."

Lindsay walked out of the room and slammed the door to her room. She laid on her bed crying. Until her boyfriend called

"Hey baby what's wrong?"

"Can you come pick Luke and I up?"

"Yeah I'm coming right now."

She got Luke ready with a jacket and some gloves. Then got herself ready.

"Thank you. I appreciate you doing this."

"Baby this is unsafe for you. I'm worried about you. Lane is always drunk and you I don't know. I love you."

"I'll be fine. I'm just worried about Luke he's gotta be here longer than I do. Can you just drive around. I just wanna listen to some music."

"That's fine. Luke are you hungry?"

"Yes. I'm hungry."

"Okay what do you want buddy?"

Lindsay chuckled "I can't let you pay for it. He's my brother."

"Lindsay it's okay. I'm working so it's alright."

"No Ethan. Stop. It's not alright. He's not your brother. You don't have to do this."

"Hey Linds it's okay. I promise."

She started breathing heavy, and busted into tears. "Hey what's wrong?"

"I don't know. I'm not okay. I haven't been in months."

Ethan pulled her in for a hug and held her tightly.

"It's okay you don't have to be okay."

"I'm sorry you probably don't wanna be bothered with this."

Will looked down at his phone and saw the text from Hank.

"Where's Lane?"

He dialed Hank's number and let the phone ring until it answered.

"I have no idea. Lane hasn't called me, and he hasn't talked to Dominic. I can ask though."

"Good cause Jay hasn't seen him, and he never told Lindsay where he went. I know they got into an argument.."

"Oh my. Of course they did. I swear Jay doesn't know how to deal with death. I know Lane doesn't. That boy doesn't deserve any of this. I am gonna call Lane."

Will sighed as he hung up the phone.

—

Days had passed and nothing was heard from Lane. Jay had gone to sleep and haven't gotten back out of his room. Lindsay had stayed at Hank's with Luke.

"Lane? Where the hell are you?" Lindsay asked

"I don't know." He seems frightened by the call early in the morning.

"Lane I'm worried about you. I know you're dealing with something but you're not alone. I miss you."

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

"You're my big brother. Of course I'm gonna worry." She spat, he hung up then fell into a memory

"Lindsay and Lane both walked back into the door quietly to be surrounded by their parents who were both mad and pissed that their kids both left the house after they were told not too. Lindsay and Lane both looked at each other and smirked as they both faced their parents.

"Hey Mom Hey Dad. I'm just gonna go up and go to sleep." Lindsay said

"No you're not." Jay spat

Lane stood there laughing. "It's not funny Son." Jay spat

"Oh come on. We only went to the party." Erin furrowed her eyebrows

"My point exactly. Lane? Did you not think before you left the house. Dragging your sister along! We trusted the both of you but I guess you don't really care. You're both grounded go to your rooms." Lane rolled his eyes

"I don't get why you have to be so overprotective." Lane shouted

"Lane Alexander Halstead!" Erin shouted

"It was his idea." Lindsay said

"Great Linds. Of course you have to snitch."

"Well Lane you're a fucking idiot. You should have thought this plan out." Lindsay said

"I realize that but I don't get why dad is so pissed."

"I'm pissed because you two decided to go out anyway. After we both told you no. You really think we are stupid? We are both detectives. Lane Lindsay go to your rooms. We'll talk about this in the morning." Lindsay rolled her eyes.

"Thanks Lane. For being a damn idiot. You didn't think." Lindsay said

"Neither did you Linds. You went with him! You should've told him no. Or did you go see that boy I told you not to talk to?"

"I don't know what you're talking about Daddy." Lindsay said

"Yeah right. Let me have both of your phones."

"Jay.." Erin said

"They are grounded you think I'll let them have it?" Jay laughed

"Dad? No. Come on ground me from other things not my phone." Lane said

"Jay. Let's deal with this in the morning."

"You two I'll deal with you in the morning." Lindsay nodded her head.

"And dad. You were right. He almost took advantage of me. I told him no and fought him. Lane came to my rescue. Also he made me sip some beer or some other drink. I don't know what it was.." Jay looked at Erin

"Lane? What kind of drinks were at the party?"

"I don't know. Beer Vodka, a bunch of liquor."

"Erin I'm gonna go. You two just go to bed."

"Dad. Don't do anything stupid." Lindsay said as she walked up the stairs.

"I'm not. Lane tell me the truth." Lane rolled his eyes

He laughed. "I'm gonna call her." Lane was in a hotel room, with a girl lying next to him. His head hurt which could only mean he gto drunk last night and his clothes were on the floor.

"Shit.." He mumbled trying not to wake up the girl beside him. He didn't even know her name, he thought but she looked familiar though.

"Who are you?" He asked

"You don't remember do you?" She spat

He shook his head no,

"I'm Allie? Does it ring a bell.. Last night was great by the way but I have to get home to my son though. I left him with my parents." Lane's eyes widened

"H-How old are you?"

"19. Wait how old are you?"

"17."

"I gotta go.. Call me i guess.." Lane realized he was still wearing the same clothes from days ago and needed to go home to his sister and brother.

Lindsay had called him again but of course he didn't answer so she just left him a voicemail. "I'm at Grandpa's. Dad isn't in a good mood so I wouldn't go home but pick your battle I guess. Love you." She said

"Hey Linds I'm just getting your call but I'm gonna go to dad's to get clothes then I'm heading to grandpas."

"Lane I wouldn't if I were you.." Lane rolled his eyes

"It's fine I'll be okay."

Lane sighed as the phone hung up he walked out of the hotel room to find that the girl had paid for it already.

He walked out of the building and realized where he was.

"Linds I'm tracking his phone.." before lane knew it a cop car pulled up beside him.

"Shit. They probably tracked my phone.." The window opened and Kevin laughed at Lane

"Get in son. There's no use walking to your dad's.."

"I'm good Kev. I'll walk. My dad is probably pissed anyway, I don't want to go home. He got mad cause I wanted him to sign the papers for me to go into the Army. He wouldn't sign it."

"I'm not letting you walk home. Get in or I'm calling Hank." Kevin chuckled

"Don't call him. I don't want him to know."

"Oh he already knows." Antonio shook his head "He's the one who called us to do this. Mouse tracked the phone you're using. And what are you doing over here?"

"I met a girl, at a diner a couple days ago. We ended up in bed this morning. I was drinking a little bit last night and this morning my head hurt like hell so I know I was drunk. Look don't tell Dad."

"Oh I'm not gonna tell him. You're gonna be the one to tell him." Lane opened the door and buckled in. Kevin drove him straight to his house. Kev and Tony walked him up to the door. Lane unlocked it with his key.

His heart pounded, he was scared of what was gonna happen next. "Dad. I'm home.. I wanna talk." Jay stumbled out of the back bedroom, holding a beer bottle and the picture of him and his wife.

"Where the hell did you go?"

"I don't know exactly where I went. I got hella drunk and I met a girl and the rest was history. I woke up this morning in a hotel room naked with the girl next to me. I just want you to sign those damn papers Dad. Please. This is what I need, not what you need."

"I'm not signing those papers. You can forget it."

"DAD WHAT THE HELL? You're getting blackout drunk holding mom's picture around. Not getting out of bed, not caring for Lindsay or Luke. Dad I can't believe you won't sign those papers. Mom would sign them. Mom would talk to you and those papers would've been signed days ago. Half of this shit that happens is all of your fault. Mom would still be here had you protected her better. She wouldn't have died. But you let your ego get way to big, and mom is dead. Luke is growing up without his mom, Lindsay won't get her help when picking out a wedding dress. It looks like you don't care though. I need to leave Dad. I can't stay here knowing you just wanna sit on your ass and drink all day. It's time to move on. I understand you love her, hell if I lost my wife I would never be the same. I would probably drink all day lay on my ass but if my kid wanted me to sign some papers for them to leave I'd sign them. I love you dad but you've got all your priorities screwed."

Jay walked closer to Lane dropping the bottle of vodka and he slapped Lane across the face. Kevin jumped in and pushed Jay back.

"What did you say to me son? I let her die. I LET HER DIE OF ALL DAMN PEOPLE. I PROTECTED HER I STOPPED HER FROM GOING IN. I TOLD HER NOT TO GO IN SHE WENT IN ANYWAY. I STILL BLAME MYSELF EVERY DAMN DAY. I DON'T NEED YOU TELLING ME SHIT."

"It's true Dad. I can't look into your eyes and act like I love you cause right now I have so much anger towards you. I hate that you won't listen to me. I hate that you just smacked me across the face cause you got pissed I was telling the truth. Dad I can't sit here in this house and pretend I'm happy when the last thing I ever will be is happy, As long as mom is gone I don't think I'm ever gonna be happy. I lost my mom when I was 15. I had to deal with you ever since. Dad I can't deal with this anymore. I just can't. I need something to live for. I need to do it for mom."

"Do it for mom? You're not honoring her by going overseas getting yourself killed."

"And dad you're not honoring her by getting drunk day in and day out. If you really wanted to honor her you'd get sober and raise your kids."

Lane sighed as He busted into tears. "Dad you're not the same. I miss the old you, i miss we could go to the park and throw a ball, or when you would take me with you to work and I'd get to hang with the guys. Mom would argue with you cause I wanted to go on a ride along. I miss those times." he smiled " I just wish you could imagine how I feel, this hasn't been easy for any of us. I'm sorry dad. I just want the old you back, I really do. It sucks that Luke can't see how great of a father you really are. Deep down I know you miss the old days too. I know you miss it. But when mom died it's like a light got turned off inside of you. It's like your happiness died. It happened to me too. I can barely look at Linds without wanting to cry, she looks just like her. I can't stay here knowing I won't move forward. That's why I need to go, I need to move on. I need to find something new."

"Jay I didn't want to intervene but it's like you're standing here waiting for the rain to stop but it won't ever stop if you won't allow them to move on.." Tony said

"I can't let you go because I can't lose another part of me. I can't let you leave and not come back cause I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. The day your mom died I lost a part of myself to every demon. I haven't figured out how to get rid of them. It was your mom who helped me get rid and see the light. I don't know if I can have someone else in my life help me see the light. I miss her. I miss her with every part of my body. I love you and your siblings. I just don't know how to do this."

"Then dad, get sober and help yourself find the light.."

"I don't know how son.." Jay said softly as he brought the beer bottle up to his face and started drinking it.

"Give me the bottle dad. This is where you start. How many more do you have in your room?"

"I don't know." Lane shook his head and walked towards his dad's room. He grabbed three bottles of liquor off the floor, Kevin walked in and started looking around. He found a picture of Lane Lindsay Jay and Erin holding Luke in the hospital.

"Lane look at this.."

Lane smiled as he felt happy seeing that picture he hadn't seen in years.

"Erin, I'm gonna go grab the twins. They can meet their little brother." Jay said, he leaned in and kissed her.

"Where is my little brother?" Lindsay asked

She peeked over the bed and chuckled loudly as she noticed her brother in her mom's arms

"Momma can I hold him?" Lane asked

Jay smiled. "Lane can you sit down for me kid?"

"Lane. Come on let's finish." Lane shook his head and snapped out of it.

"Yeah. Sorry." He said..

Lindsay walked into her front door, wondering what was gonna happen. She looked at her dad who was just coming out of the shower.

"You showered? Where's Lane?"

"I think in my room. I'm sorry kid. I didn't mean to cause so much damage."

"I'm sorry Dad."

"Lindsay don't you dare apologize to dad. He doesn't deserve it.."

"Lane don't you dare tell me what not to do. I understand you're pissed but I'm not gonna let this control me for the rest of my life. I'm moving on, today. It'll be hard I know it won't be easy and that's okay. I promised Mom that I will become something in life. Sorry you. Don't feel the same way."

"Linds, I'm sorry. I never should've said that. You deserve to move on. We all do."

"Lane it's okay to move on, it doesn't mean you're forgetting about her it just means you're learning to live without her."

"Okay I'm fine. I gotta go call someone."

"Lane, who are you calling?"

"None of your goddamn business." Lane rolled his eyes and began walking away, he stopped at the door when Hank walked in.

"Where are you going?"

"To make a call."

Hank nodded his head then pushed him back. "Lane you were out of line. Leaving like that. You never should've done it. Then going to a damn hotel and having sex or getting drunk. You're 17 you could be arrested."

"Grandpa I."

"No, you're done. I don't care how old you're. You could've been killed, we could've lost you too. I'm tired of telling you son. I get it you don't know how to cope with a death. I'm almost 60 I don't know either, but Lane you've got an entire family who knows your worth and knows how far you're gonna go. You can't let this ruin you."

Lane sat down and put his head in his palms, started crying.

"I just want dad to love me. We haven't had an actual conversation in two damn years. I remember what it was. He was talking about taking me to the Blackhawks game and I was so excited. But the day of it Mom died. He didn't take me, and he stopped caring too."

Lane took a deep breath. "I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought for a second I could handle this. I really don't know. I mean Lindsay is moving on, Luke barely knows what the hell is going on. I just want Mom back. I need some happiness. I just need to leave."

"And Lane I get it. I understand why you're leaving but don't try getting him all upset. It's not worth it."

"Grandpa, he took a shower. I don't think remember the last time I saw him take a shower."

"Lane if you wanna go, I'll get him to sign the papers until then quit this shit. Stop the leaving in the middle of the night to go who knows where, and be a brother to your sister and brother. You need them more than they need you. You're lucky I'm not telling you to fall and save yourself but you need Lindsay, and you need us."

"Will he ever be happy again?"

"I I don't know. I honestly don't. I hope so for the sake of Luke." Hank pulled him in and gave him a hug.

Lane sighed as he walked back inside the home he grew up in. His mind pulled him back, and it let him scramble around the thoughts of his mother which he'll never erase.

"Can I talk to you Lane?" Lindsay asked

He nodded his head then followed his little sister into her room at the end of the hallway. For a few minutes of silence both of them could think about what they were going to say and also think about what this conversation could be if their mom was still here.

"Lane get your head of your ass. I don't care if you get pissed at me, if you don't ever wanna talk to me again but I'm sick and tired of you and dad fighting. I'm done. I can't take it anymore. Luke doesn't deserve this it's already bad enough he has to live without mom now he has to deal with dad's stupid bullshit, and even worse his older brother setting the worst example. This isn't how our life is supposed to be I get it. Trust me. You're out partying, drinking. Doing whatever you can to erase this pain. Newsflash Lane it doesn't fucking work. You don't think I haven't already tried? There's some nights I wanna drown myself in a bottle but I don't. I know there is something better something waiting for me. Whatever IT is. I have no idea but there's something waiting for you Lane. Whether it be the Army or leaving Chicago. Do whatever you need to do to get better cause right now you're not doing anything good to your life. Moms gone. She's not coming back, I know how damn hard it is to hear it. Looks like you need to hear it also."

"I thought you were on my side?" Lindsay's face went red.

"No I'm on my own side. You need to learn. Stop the drinking Lane or you're going to lose everyone, like Dad has." Lindsay pushed him back. "Mom would be ashamed of you."

"I'm sorry."

"Linds, it's too late for that."

"Jay. Baby save me."

"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." Jay was holding her in his arms, tightly holding pressure on the wound.

"You promise." Her eyes were bloodshot red, and her pulse started weaker and weaker as minutes went by.

"Tell the kids I love them. They always need to know that. I promise I do. I love you Jay."

"Baby don't say that you gotta say that to them yourself. Everything's going to be alright."

Her eyes began closing slowly and her breathing started decreasing.

"NO! NO NO NO NO" Jay began screaming. He jumped up in his bed, and looked around the bedroom of his house.

His breathing was heavy at this point and his heart pounded.

Lane who is usually a heavy sleeper, jumped straight out of his bed and slipped running into his dad's room.

"What's going on? Is Luke okay?" Jay nodded his head

"I'm fine. I just had a nightmare. I'm okay."

"Dad, are you sure? Was it about Mom?"

"Yeah. T-the day she died. I didn't know what to do that day."

"Dad it's okay you don't have to say anything." Lane got up and walked back to his room.

"I'm sorry Lan-o." He hadn't said that word in god knows how long. Lane thought.

Although he didn't really mind it.

Lane kept walking back to his room after checking on his younger brother.

He climbed back in his bed, staring to drift off he closed his eyes.

"Lane.. I love you." He heard a familiar voice,

"Mom?"

"Lan-o, You're doing so great. I can't wait to watch you graduate."

Lane walked further into the light. He smiled as he was engulfed in a hug from his mom. "I missed you momma. Come back."

"Lan-o you have to learn how to find the light. Your dad has to learn also. I miss you but you have to do better for yourself, Lindsay and Luke."

Lane nodded his head…. and she walked and it would be the last time he'll ever speak to her.


End file.
